Друзья: У Росса есть сын - 1

Hey, how's my favorite parenting team doing?

heɪ, haʊz maɪ ˈfeɪvərɪt ˈpɛrəntɪŋ tim duɪŋ?

Dr. Franzblau, hi.

ˈdɑktər. franzblau, haɪ.

So, I understand you're thinking of having a baby? Well, I see you're nine months pregnant. That's a good

soʊ, aɪ ˌəndərˈstænd jʊr ˈθɪŋkɪŋ əv ˈhævɪŋ ə ˈbeɪbi? wɛl, aɪ si jʊr naɪn mənθs ˈprɛgnənt. ðæts ə gʊd

start. How you doing with your contractions?

stɑrt. haʊ ju duɪŋ wɪθ jʊr kənˈtrækʃənz?

Oh, I love them. Each one's like a little party in my uterus.

oʊ, aɪ ləv ðɛm. iʧ wənz laɪk ə ˈlɪtəl ˈpɑrti ɪn maɪ ˈjutərəs.

They're every four minutes and last 55 seconds.

ðɛr ˈɛvəri fɔr ˈmɪnəts ənd læst 55 ˈsɛkəndz.

59 seconds. Quartz, ha.

59 ˈsɛkəndz. kwɔrts, hɑ.

Swiss quartz, ha, ha.

swɪs kwɔrts, hɑ, hɑ.

Am I allowed to drink anything?

æm aɪ əˈlaʊd tɪ drɪŋk ˈɛniˌθɪŋ?

Ice chips, just ice chips. They're at the nurses' station.

aɪs ʧɪps, ʤɪst aɪs ʧɪps. ðɛr æt ðə ˈnərsɪz' ˈsteɪʃən.

I'll get it.

aɪl gɪt ɪt.

No, I'm getting it. I'll be right back.

noʊ, əm ˈgɪtɪŋ ɪt. aɪl bi raɪt bæk.

I got it. I'm getting it!

aɪ gɑt ɪt. əm ˈgɪtɪŋ ɪt!

Hi, I thought you might like some ice chips.

haɪ, aɪ θɔt ju maɪt laɪk səm aɪs ʧɪps.

Breathe.

brið.

Breathe.

brið.

Breathe.

brið.

Breathe.

brið.

Breathe.

brið.

Breathe.

brið.

You're going to kill me!

jʊr goʊɪŋ tɪ kɪl mi!

15 more seconds, 14, 13, 12...

15 mɔr ˈsɛkəndz, 14 13 12

Count faster.

kaʊnt ˈfæstər.

It's going to be ok, just remember, we're doing this for Jordie. Just keep focusing on Jordie.

ɪts goʊɪŋ tɪ bi ˈoʊˈkeɪ, ʤɪst rɪˈmɛmbər, wɪr duɪŋ ðɪs fər ˈʤɔrdi. ʤɪst kip ˈfoʊkɪsɪŋ ɔn ˈʤɔrdi.

Who the hell is Jordie?

hu ðə hɛl ɪz ˈʤɔrdi?

Your son.

jʊr sən.

No-no-no. I don't have a son named Jordie. We all agreed, my son's name is Jamie.

no-no-no. aɪ doʊnt hæv ə sən neɪmd ˈʤɔrdi. wi ɔl əˈgrid, maɪ sənz neɪm ɪz ˈʤeɪmi.

Well, Jamie was the name of Susan's first girlfriend, so we went back to Jordie.

wɛl, ˈʤeɪmi wɑz ðə neɪm əv ˈsuzənz fərst ˈgərlˌfrɛnd, soʊ wi wɛnt bæk tɪ ˈʤɔrdi.

What? Whoa, whoa whoa whoa, what do you mean, back to Jordie? We never landed on Jordie. We just passed by it during the

wət? woʊ, woʊ woʊ woʊ, wət du ju min, bæk tɪ ˈʤɔrdi? wi ˈnɛvər ˈlændɪd ɔn ˈʤɔrdi. wi ʤɪst pæst baɪ ɪt ˈdʊrɪŋ ðə

whole Jessy, Cody, Dylan fiasco.

hoʊl ˈʤɛsi, ˈkoʊdi, ˈdɪlən fiˈæskoʊ.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, leg cramp, leg cramp, leg cramp.

oʊ, oʊ, oʊ, oʊ, lɛg kræmp, lɛg kræmp, lɛg kræmp.

I got it.

aɪ gɑt ɪt.

I got it.

aɪ gɑt ɪt.

I got it! Hey, you get to sleep with her, I get the cramps.

aɪ gɑt ɪt! heɪ, ju gɪt tɪ slip wɪθ hər, aɪ gɪt ðə kræmps.

No, you don't.

noʊ, ju doʊnt.

Alright, that's it. I want both of you out.

ˌɔˈlraɪt, ðæts ɪt. aɪ wɔnt boʊθ əv ju aʊt.

Why?

waɪ?

He started it!

hi ˈstɑrtɪd ɪt!

No, you started it.

noʊ, ju ˈstɑrtɪd ɪt.

You did!

ju dɪd!

I don't care. I am trying to get a person out of my body here, and you're not making it any easier. Now go!

aɪ doʊnt kɛr. aɪ æm traɪɪŋ tɪ gɪt ə ˈpərsən aʊt əv maɪ ˈbɑdi hir, ənd jʊr nɑt ˈmeɪkɪŋ ɪt ˈɛni ˈiziər. naʊ goʊ!

Thanks a lot.

θæŋks ə lɔt.

See what you did.

si wət ju dɪd.

Out!

aʊt!

Please. This is so your fault.

pliz. ðɪs ɪz soʊ jʊr fɔlt.

How? How is this my fault?

haʊ? haʊ ɪz ðɪs maɪ fɔlt?

Look, Carol never threw me out of a room before you came along.

lʊk, ˈkɛrəl ˈnɛvər θru mi aʊt əv ə rum ˌbiˈfɔr ju keɪm əˈlɔŋ.

Yeah? Well, there's a lot of things Carol never did before I came along.

jæ? wɛl, ðɛrz ə lɔt əv θɪŋz ˈkɛrəl ˈnɛvər dɪd ˌbiˈfɔr aɪ keɪm əˈlɔŋ.

Are you trying to be clever? A funny lady?

ər ju traɪɪŋ tɪ bi ˈklɛvər? ə ˈfəni ˈleɪdi?

You know what your problem is? You're so threatened by me.

ju noʊ wət jʊr ˈprɑbləm ɪz? jʊr soʊ θˈrɛtənd baɪ mi.

Oh, I'm threatened by you?

oʊ, əm θˈrɛtənd baɪ ju?

Hey, hey, ok, allight, that's it! Get in here. Come on. My god, you guys, I don't believe you. There are children coming

heɪ, heɪ, ˈoʊˈkeɪ, allight, ðæts ɪt! gɪt ɪn hir. kəm ɔn. maɪ gɑd, ju gaɪz, aɪ doʊnt bɪˈliv ju. ðɛr ər ˈʧɪldrən ˈkəmɪŋ

into the world in this very building and your negative fighting noises are not the first thing they should be hearing. So just stop

ˈɪntu ðə wərld ɪn ðɪs ˈvɛri ˈbɪldɪŋ ənd jʊr ˈnɛgətɪv ˈfaɪtɪŋ ˈnɔɪzɪz ər nɑt ðə fərst θɪŋ ðeɪ ʃʊd bi ˈhirɪŋ. soʊ ʤɪst stɑp

all the yelling, just stop it!

ɔl ðə ˈjɛlɪŋ, ʤɪst stɑp ɪt!

Yeah, Susan.

jæ, ˈsuzən.

Don't make me do this again, I don't like my voice like this.

doʊnt meɪk mi du ðɪs əˈgɛn, aɪ doʊnt laɪk maɪ vɔɪs laɪk ðɪs.

Okay, who wants to hear something ironic?

ˌoʊˈkeɪ, hu wɔnts tɪ hir ˈsəmθɪŋ aɪˈrɑnɪk?

Come on, come on. Damnit, damnit, damnit, damnit. This is all your fault. This is supposed to be, like, the greatest

kəm ɔn, kəm ɔn. damnit, damnit, damnit, damnit. ðɪs ɪz ɔl jʊr fɔlt. ðɪs ɪz səˈpoʊzd tɪ bi, laɪk, ðə ˈgreɪtəst

day of my life, you know? My son is being born, and I should be in there, you know, instead of stuck in a closet with you.

deɪ əv maɪ laɪf, ju noʊ? maɪ sən ɪz biɪŋ bɔrn, ənd aɪ ʃʊd bi ɪn ðɛr, ju noʊ, ˌɪnˈstɛd əv stək ɪn ə ˈklɑzət wɪθ ju.

The woman I love is having a baby today. I've been waiting for this just as much as you have.

ðə ˈwʊmən aɪ ləv ɪz ˈhævɪŋ ə ˈbeɪbi təˈdeɪ. aɪv bɪn ˈweɪtɪŋ fər ðɪs ʤɪst ɛz məʧ ɛz ju hæv.

No, no, no, believe me. No one has been waiting for this as much as I have, okay? And you know what the funny thing is? When this day

noʊ, noʊ, noʊ, bɪˈliv mi. noʊ wən həz bɪn ˈweɪtɪŋ fər ðɪs ɛz məʧ ɛz aɪ hæv, ˌoʊˈkeɪ? ənd ju noʊ wət ðə ˈfəni θɪŋ ɪz? wɪn ðɪs deɪ

is over, you get to go home with the baby, okay? Where does that leave me?

ɪz ˈoʊvər, ju gɪt tɪ goʊ hoʊm wɪθ ðə ˈbeɪbi, ˌoʊˈkeɪ? wɛr dɪz ðət liv mi?

You get to be the baby's father. Everyone knows who you are. Who am I? There's Father's Day , there's Mother's Day, there's no

ju gɪt tɪ bi ðə ˈbeɪbiz ˈfɑðər. ˈɛvriˌwən noʊz hu ju ər. hu æm aɪ? ðɛrz ˈfɑðərz deɪ ðɛrz ˈməðərz deɪ, ðɛrz noʊ

Lesbian Lover Day.

ˈlɛzbiən ˈləvər deɪ.

Every day is Lesbian Lover Day.

ˈɛvəri deɪ ɪz ˈlɛzbiən ˈləvər deɪ.

This is so great.

ðɪs ɪz soʊ greɪt.

You want to explain that?

ju wɔnt tɪ ɪkˈspleɪn ðət?

I mean, well, because when I was growing up, you know, my dad left, and my mother died, and my stepfather went to jail, so I barely

aɪ min, wɛl, bɪˈkəz wɪn aɪ wɑz groʊɪŋ əp, ju noʊ, maɪ dæd lɛft, ənd maɪ ˈməðər daɪd, ənd maɪ ˈstɛpˌfɑðər wɛnt tɪ ʤeɪl, soʊ aɪ ˈbɛrli

had enough pieces of parents to make one whole one. And here's this little baby who has like three whole parents who care about it so much

hæd ɪˈnəf ˈpisɪz əv ˈpɛrənts tɪ meɪk wən hoʊl wən. ənd hɪrz ðɪs ˈlɪtəl ˈbeɪbi hu həz laɪk θri hoʊl ˈpɛrənts hu kɛr əˈbaʊt ɪt soʊ məʧ

that they're fighting over who gets to love it the most. And it's not even born yet. It's just the luckiest baby in the whole world.

ðət ðɛr ˈfaɪtɪŋ ˈoʊvər hu gɪts tɪ ləv ɪt ðə moʊst. ənd ɪts nɑt ˈivɪn bɔrn jɛt. ɪts ʤɪst ðə ˈləkiəst ˈbeɪbi ɪn ðə hoʊl wərld.

I'm sorry, you were fighting.

əm ˈsɑri, ju wər ˈfaɪtɪŋ.