Друзья: Кожная проблема Росса

Hey.

heɪ.

Hey.

heɪ.

Hey.

heɪ.

Listen, I need a favor. Umm, I was in the shower, and as I was cleansing myself, I, well, I felt something.

ˈlɪsən, aɪ nid ə ˈfeɪvər. əm, aɪ wɑz ɪn ðə ʃaʊər, ənd ɛz aɪ wɑz ˈklɛnzɪŋ ˌmaɪˈsɛlf, aɪ, wɛl, aɪ fɛlt ˈsəmθɪŋ.

Was it like a sneeze only better?

wɑz ɪt laɪk ə sniz ˈoʊnli ˈbɛtər?

No, no. I mean, I mean a thing on my body.

noʊ, noʊ. aɪ min, aɪ min ə θɪŋ ɔn maɪ ˈbɑdi.

What was it?

wət wɑz ɪt?

Well, I don't know. It's kind of in a place that's not... it's not visually accessible to me, and I was hoping maybe you guys could

wɛl, aɪ doʊnt noʊ. ɪts kaɪnd əv ɪn ə pleɪs ðæts nɑt... ɪts nɑt ˈvɪʒwəli ækˈsɛsəbəl tɪ mi, ənd aɪ wɑz ˈhoʊpɪŋ ˈmeɪbi ju gaɪz kʊd

help me out.

hɛlp mi aʊt.

Whoa!!!

woʊ!!!

No!!

noʊ!!

Come on you guys. It's no big deal!

kəm ɔn ju gaɪz. ɪts noʊ bɪg dil!

Whoa-heeeiiiiii-iiiii-ah!! Huh.

whoa-heeeiiiiii-iiiii-ah!! hə.

Well, what is it? Is it a mole?

wɛl, wət ɪz ɪt? ɪz ɪt ə moʊl?

No, it's too wrinkly to be a mole.

noʊ, ɪts tu wrinkly tɪ bi ə moʊl.

Well, eww. Is it what? A pimple?

wɛl, eww. ɪz ɪt wət? ə ˈpɪmpəl?

No, it's fancier than a pimple. Look, Ross, why don't you just go see a...

noʊ, ɪts ˈfænsiər ðən ə ˈpɪmpəl. lʊk, rɔs, waɪ doʊnt ju ʤɪst goʊ si ə...

Hey guys! What's...

heɪ gaɪz! wəts...

Okay, well, it's definite: two more weeks of winter.

ˌoʊˈkeɪ, wɛl, ɪts ˈdɛfənət: tu mɔr wiks əv ˈwɪntər.

Yeah, right.

jæ, raɪt.

Hey guys.

heɪ gaɪz.

Well?!

wɛl?!

Okay, how'd it go at the doctor's?

ˌoʊˈkeɪ, haʊd ɪt goʊ æt ðə ˈdɑktərz?

Well, he said there's definitely nothing to worry about. It's totally benign.

wɛl, hi sɛd ðɛrz ˈdɛfənətli ˈnəθɪŋ tɪ ˈwəri əˈbaʊt. ɪts ˈtoʊtəli bɪˈnaɪn.

Well, what is it?!

wɛl, wət ɪz ɪt?!

He couldn't even tell me! He said it was just some sort of skin abnormality. And the worst thing is he said, he said, without being

hi ˈkʊdənt ˈivɪn tɛl mi! hi sɛd ɪt wɑz ʤɪst səm sɔrt əv skɪn ˌæbnɔrˈmæləti. ənd ðə wərst θɪŋ ɪz hi sɛd, hi sɛd, wɪˈθaʊt biɪŋ

able to identify it, he was reluctant to remove it.

ˈeɪbəl tɪ aɪˈdɛntəˌfaɪ ɪt, hi wɑz rɪˈləktənt tɪ riˈmuv ɪt.

Y'know what? You should go to my guy. Because when I went in there with my third nipple, he just lopped it right off. Y'know? So I

jəˈnoʊ wət? ju ʃʊd goʊ tɪ maɪ gaɪ. bɪˈkəz wɪn aɪ wɛnt ɪn ðɛr wɪθ maɪ θərd ˈnɪpəl, hi ʤɪst lɑpt ɪt raɪt ɔf. jəˈnoʊ? soʊ aɪ

guess I'm lucky. I mean not as lucky as people who were born with two nipples.

gɛs əm ˈləki. aɪ min nɑt ɛz ˈləki ɛz ˈpipəl hu wər bɔrn wɪθ tu ˈnɪpəlz.

At least they knew what yours was. Y'know, yours had a name.

æt list ðeɪ nu wət jʊrz wɑz. jəˈnoʊ, jʊrz hæd ə neɪm.

Oh! Maybe they'll name yours after you! Y'know, they'll call it "the Ross". And then people would be like, "Awww, he's got a Ross."

oʊ! ˈmeɪbi ðɛl neɪm jʊrz ˈæftər ju! jəˈnoʊ, ðɛl kɔl ɪt "ðə rɔs". ənd ðɛn ˈpipəl wʊd bi laɪk, "awww, hiz gɑt ə rɔs."

Yeah, that would be cool!

jæ, ðət wʊd bi kul!

That's all it is, a third nipple. Y'know? Just your run-of-the-mill third nipple. Y'know? You can take it off. Just slice that baby

ðæts ɔl ɪt ɪz, ə θərd ˈnɪpəl. jəˈnoʊ? ʤɪst jʊr run-of-the-mill θərd ˈnɪpəl. jəˈnoʊ? ju kən teɪk ɪt ɔf. ʤɪst slaɪs ðət ˈbeɪbi

right off!

raɪt ɔf!

Take your shirt off, and let's see what we're dealing with here. What are you doing?

teɪk jʊr ʃərt ɔf, ənd lɛts si wət wɪr ˈdilɪŋ wɪθ hir. wət ər ju duɪŋ?

Just showing you my run-of-the-mill slice-it-right-off third nipple.

ʤɪst ʃoʊɪŋ ju maɪ run-of-the-mill slice-it-right-off θərd ˈnɪpəl.

Well. that's not a third nipple.

wɛl. ðæts nɑt ə θərd ˈnɪpəl.

No?

noʊ?

First of all, it's on your ass.

fərst əv ɔl, ɪts ɔn jʊr æs.

Well then what is it?!

wɛl ðɛn wət ɪz ɪt?!

Wait a minute, hold it. Johnson! Will you come in here a moment?

weɪt ə ˈmɪnət, hoʊld ɪt. ˈʤɑnsən! wɪl ju kəm ɪn hir ə ˈmoʊmənt?

I'm with Hamilton!

əm wɪθ ˈhæməltən!

He's good with weird things. Bring him in too.

hiz gʊd wɪθ wɪrd θɪŋz. brɪŋ ɪm ɪn tu.

You know, I have dinner plans!!

ju noʊ, aɪ hæv ˈdɪnər plænz!!

Thank you soo much for coming on such a short notice. Ladies and gentlemen, I've been practicing medicine for twenty-three years, and I'm stumped.

θæŋk ju su məʧ fər ˈkəmɪŋ ɔn səʧ ə ʃɔrt ˈnoʊtɪs. ˈleɪdiz ənd ˈʤɛnəlmɪn, aɪv bɪn ˈpræktɪsɪŋ ˈmɛdəsən fər tˈwɛntiθˌri jɪrz, ənd əm stəmpt.