Компьютерщики: Джен презентует интернет

Well, we have a very interesting talk lined up for you today. Our employee of the month, and computer expert, Jen Barber, has kindly agreed to say a few words about her role in the IT department.

wɛl, wi hæv ə ˈvɛri ˈɪntəˌrɛstɪŋ tɔk laɪnd əp fər ju təˈdeɪ. ɑr ɪmˈplɔɪi əv ðə mənθ, ənd kəmˈpjutər ˈɛkspərt, ʤɛn ˈbɑrbər, həz ˈkaɪndli əˈgrid tɪ seɪ ə fju wərdz əˈbaʊt hər roʊl ɪn ðə ɪt dɪˈpɑrtmənt.

Now, speaking as someone who doesn't know the difference between a laptop and, erm, the larger one, I'm certainly looking forward to hearing what she has to say.

naʊ, ˈspikɪŋ ɛz ˈsəmˌwən hu ˈdəzənt noʊ ðə ˈdɪfərəns bɪtˈwin ə ˈlæpˌtɑp ənd, erm, ðə ˈlɑrʤər wən, əm ˈsərtənli ˈlʊkɪŋ ˈfɔrwərd tɪ ˈhirɪŋ wət ʃi həz tɪ seɪ.

Good morning. When I was asked to give a speech about what it is I do and everything, I was very excited.

gʊd ˈmɔrnɪŋ. wɪn aɪ wɑz æst tɪ gɪv ə spiʧ əˈbaʊt wət ɪt ɪz aɪ du ənd ˈɛvriˌθɪŋ, aɪ wɑz ˈvɛri ɪkˈsaɪtɪd.

At last, I thought, a chance to explain the wonders of technology to ordinary folk.

æt læst, aɪ θɔt, ə ʧæns tɪ ɪkˈspleɪn ðə ˈwəndərz əv tɛkˈnɑləʤi tɪ ˈɔrdəˌnɛri foʊk.

But then I thought, "Who wants to listen to a boring old speech?"

bət ðɛn aɪ θɔt, "hu wɔnts tɪ ˈlɪsən tɪ ə ˈbɔrɪŋ oʊld spiʧ?"

Wouldn't it be better if I could actually bring one of these wonders in to show you it? Say, oh, I don't know, the Internet!

ˈwʊdənt ɪt bi ˈbɛtər ɪf aɪ kʊd ˈæˌkʧuəli brɪŋ wən əv ðiz ˈwəndərz ɪn tɪ ʃoʊ ju ɪt? seɪ, oʊ, aɪ doʊnt noʊ, ðə ˈɪntərˌnɛt!

I think it would - and I have. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present to you the internet!

aɪ θɪŋk ɪt wʊd ənd aɪ hæv. ˈleɪdiz ənd ˈʤɛnəlmɪn, aɪd laɪk tɪ ˈprɛzənt tɪ ju ðə ˈɪntərˌnɛt!

No flash photography, you'll harm the Internet.

noʊ flæʃ fəˈtɑgrəfi, jul hɑrm ðə ˈɪntərˌnɛt.

Ladies and gentlemen

ˈleɪdiz ənd ˈʤɛnəlmɪn

Why's no-one laughing?

waɪz ˈnoʊwən ˈlæfɪŋ?

If anything were to happen to this box, the world as we know it would fall into chaos.

ɪf ˈɛniˌθɪŋ wər tɪ ˈhæpən tɪ ðɪs bɑks, ðə wərld ɛz wi noʊ ɪt wʊd fɔl ˈɪntu keɪɑs.

Planes would drop from the sky, like tables. Society would tear itself apart like an angry child with a napkin. Man's primeval instinct to survive at any cost, would

pleɪnz wʊd drɔp frəm ðə skaɪ, laɪk ˈteɪbəlz. soʊˈsaɪɪti wʊd tɪr ˌɪtˈsɛlf əˈpɑrt laɪk ən ˈæŋgri ʧaɪld wɪθ ə ˈnæpkɪn. mænz praɪˈmivəl ˈɪnstɪŋkt tɪ sərˈvaɪv æt ˈɛni kɔst, wʊd

lead to terrible violence, so, please, no flash photography.

lɛd tɪ ˈtɛrəbəl ˈvaɪələns, soʊ, pliz, noʊ flæʃ fəˈtɑgrəfi.

And that's what the flashing light's for. Any more?

ənd ðæts wət ðə ˈflæʃɪŋ laɪts fər. ˈɛni mɔr?

Is it heavy?

ɪz ɪt ˈhɛvi?

Is it heavy? That's a bit of a silly question. The internet doesn't weigh anything.

ɪz ɪt ˈhɛvi? ðæts ə bɪt əv ə ˈsɪli kˈwɛʃən. ðə ˈɪntərˌnɛt ˈdəzənt weɪ ˈɛniˌθɪŋ.

OK, guys, I guess I should wrap it up.

ˈoʊˈkeɪ, gaɪz, aɪ gɛs aɪ ʃʊd ræp ɪt əp.

No, no. I really have to finish up.

noʊ, noʊ. aɪ ˈrɪli hæv tɪ ˈfɪnɪʃ əp.

More! More! More! More!

mɔr! mɔr! mɔr! mɔr!

Guys! Oh, my God, you really like me.

gaɪz! oʊ, maɪ gɑd, ju ˈrɪli laɪk mi.

This really isn't that funny.

ðɪs ˈrɪli ˈɪzənt ðət ˈfəni.

I know, it's terrible. I thought at least we'd get a good story out it. You know? Something we'd remember.

aɪ noʊ, ɪts ˈtɛrəbəl. aɪ θɔt æt list wid gɪt ə gʊd ˈstɔri aʊt ɪt. ju noʊ? ˈsəmθɪŋ wid rɪˈmɛmbər.

The Internet!

ðə ˈɪntərˌnɛt!

Argh!

ɑrg!

We're all going to die!

wɪr ɔl goʊɪŋ tɪ daɪ!