Сайнфелд: Причёска-шляпа

Hey, people, people, people, people, people. Not bad, huh? Excuse me.

heɪ, ˈpipəl, ˈpipəl, ˈpipəl, ˈpipəl, ˈpipəl. nɑt bæd, hə? ɪkˈskjuz mi.

You look ridiculous in that thing.

ju lʊk rɪˈdɪkjələs ɪn ðət θɪŋ.

Is that so? Or could it be that you're just a \*little\* bit worried that you may have missed the boat?

ɪz ðət soʊ? ər kʊd ɪt bi ðət jʊr ʤɪst ə \ˈlɪtəl\ bɪt ˈwərid ðət ju meɪ hæv mɪst ðə boʊt?

Well I think they might have sutured that thing to your brain.

wɛl aɪ θɪŋk ðeɪ maɪt hæv ˈsuʧərd ðət θɪŋ tɪ jʊr breɪn.

Ha ha ha ha, oh all right, go ahead, deride, deride if you must. But let me tell you something, with my personality and this set of hair, you know what I am now? I am in the game. I no longer defer to the coifed. I'm a player.

hɑ hɑ hɑ hɑ, oʊ ɔl raɪt, goʊ əˈhɛd, dɪˈraɪd, dɪˈraɪd ɪf ju məst. bət lɛt mi tɛl ju ˈsəmθɪŋ, wɪθ maɪ ˌpərsəˈnælɪti ənd ðɪs sɛt əv hɛr, ju noʊ wət aɪ æm naʊ? aɪ æm ɪn ðə geɪm. aɪ noʊ ˈlɔŋgər dɪˈfər tɪ ðə coifed. əm ə pleɪər.

You know I just thought of something. I know this gorgeous woman, she called me up this morning, she's moving into the city, and she asked me if I know of anyone she could meet. Now you can go out with her.

ju noʊ aɪ ʤɪst θɔt əv ˈsəmθɪŋ. aɪ noʊ ðɪs ˈgɔrʤəs ˈwʊmən, ʃi kɔld mi əp ðɪs ˈmɔrnɪŋ, ʃiz ˈmuvɪŋ ˈɪntu ðə ˈsɪti, ənd ʃi æst mi ɪf aɪ noʊ əv ˈɛniˌwən ʃi kʊd mit. naʊ ju kən goʊ aʊt wɪθ hər.

Well what about me?

wɛl wət əˈbaʊt mi?

No I think he's got you beat buddy.

noʊ aɪ θɪŋk hiz gɑt ju bit ˈbədi.

So she's gorgeous.

soʊ ʃiz ˈgɔrʤəs.

Oh yeah, last time I saw her she was, five years ago.

oʊ jæ, læst taɪm aɪ sɔ hər ʃi wɑz, faɪv jɪrz əˈgoʊ.

Well have you got a picture?

wɛl hæv ju gɑt ə ˈpɪkʧər?

No.

noʊ.

Well, I have to see her.

wɛl, aɪ hæv tɪ si hər.

Hey, I know what we can do. I've got a friend who works over at the police station. He's a composite artist.

heɪ, aɪ noʊ wət wi kən du. aɪv gɑt ə frɛnd hu wərks ˈoʊvər æt ðə pəˈlis ˈsteɪʃən. hiz ə kəmˈpɑzət ˈɑrtɪst.

Really?

ˈrɪli?

Yeah, yeah, maybe I can get him to draw a picture of her for you.

jæ, jæ, ˈmeɪbi aɪ kən gɪt ɪm tɪ drɔ ə ˈpɪkʧər əv hər fər ju.

Oh I would love that. You think he'd really do it?

oʊ aɪ wʊd ləv ðət. ju θɪŋk hid ˈrɪli du ɪt?

Yeah, yeah. I think he will.

jæ, jæ. aɪ θɪŋk hi wɪl.

It sounds like an excellent idea.

ɪt saʊnz laɪk ən ˈɛksələnt aɪˈdiə.

Oh that's good, that's good. Make the eyes, uh, what's that nut?

oʊ ðæts gʊd, ðæts gʊd. meɪk ðə aɪz, ə, wəts ðət nət?

Almond?

ˈɑmənd?

Almond. Yeah. Make the lips fuller. Poutier.

ˈɑmənd. jæ. meɪk ðə lɪps ˈfʊlər. poutier.

Pouty? I like that.

ˈpaʊti? aɪ laɪk ðət.

You can't go wrong with pouty.

ju kænt goʊ rɔŋ wɪθ ˈpaʊti.

I'm excited about the pouty.

əm ɪkˈsaɪtɪd əˈbaʊt ðə ˈpaʊti.

All right I think that about does it.

ɔl raɪt aɪ θɪŋk ðət əˈbaʊt dɪz ɪt.

All right George, come on, take a look.

ɔl raɪt ʤɔrʤ, kəm ɔn, teɪk ə lʊk.

Oh yeah, you were right. She's gorgeous.

oʊ jæ, ju wər raɪt. ʃiz ˈgɔrʤəs.

Oh my god, there she is. That's the face, just like the picture.

oʊ maɪ gɑd, ðɛr ʃi ɪz. ðæts ðə feɪs, ʤɪst laɪk ðə ˈpɪkʧər.

George?

ʤɔrʤ?

Yeah. Hi. It's great to meet you.

jæ. haɪ. ɪts greɪt tɪ mit ju.

Likewise. Have you been waiting long?

ˈlaɪkˌwaɪz. hæv ju bɪn ˈweɪtɪŋ lɔŋ?

No, no. I just got here. A few minutes ago.

noʊ, noʊ. aɪ ʤɪst gɑt hir. ə fju ˈmɪnəts əˈgoʊ.

Good, good.

gʊd, gʊd.

Well why don't you take off your hat and stay awhile.

wɛl waɪ doʊnt ju teɪk ɔf jʊr hæt ənd steɪ əˈwaɪl.

Hey there he is. So what happened? Could she detect it?

heɪ ðɛr hi ɪz. soʊ wət ˈhæpənd? kʊd ʃi dɪˈtɛkt ɪt?

That's an interesting question.

ðæts ən ˈɪntəˌrɛstɪŋ kˈwɛʃən.

How so?

haʊ soʊ?

How so? I'll tell you how so. She's bald!

haʊ soʊ? aɪl tɛl ju haʊ soʊ. ʃiz bɔld!

What do you mean bald?

wət du ju min bɔld?

What do you think I mean bald? Bald. Bald bald.

wət du ju θɪŋk aɪ min bɔld? bɔld. bɔld bɔld.

She's bald?

ʃiz bɔld?

She's bald.

ʃiz bɔld.

Oh come on.

oʊ kəm ɔn.

Oh come on? No come on. She took off her hat and there she was hello. It was like I was looking at myself in the mirror.

oʊ kəm ɔn? noʊ kəm ɔn. ʃi tʊk ɔf hər hæt ənd ðɛr ʃi wɑz hɛˈloʊ. ɪt wɑz laɪk aɪ wɑz ˈlʊkɪŋ æt ˌmaɪˈsɛlf ɪn ðə ˈmɪrər.

Well maybe she got a haircut or something.

wɛl ˈmeɪbi ʃi gɑt ə ˈhɛrˌkət ər ˈsəmθɪŋ.

Let me tell you something. No one walks into a beauty parlor and says "Give me the Larry Fine."

lɛt mi tɛl ju ˈsəmθɪŋ. noʊ wən wɔks ˈɪntu ə ˈbjuti ˈpɑrlər ənd sɪz "gɪv mi ðə ˈlɛri faɪn."

Women go bald?

ˈwɪmən goʊ bɔld?

Yeah, I've heard of that. I mean they usually wear a wig.

jæ, aɪv hərd əv ðət. aɪ min ðeɪ ˈjuʒəwəli wɛr ə wɪg.

Kramer enters.

ˈkreɪmər ˈɛnərz.

Hey.

heɪ.

Hey.

heɪ.

You fixed me up with a bald woman.

ju fɪkst mi əp wɪθ ə bɔld ˈwʊmən.

Kramer flinches.

ˈkreɪmər flinches.

Bald?

bɔld?

Yeah, that's right.

jæ, ðæts raɪt.

Do you see the irony here? You're rejecting somebody because they're bald.

du ju si ðə ˈaɪrəni hir? jʊr rɪˈʤɛktɪŋ ˈsəmˌbɑdi bɪˈkəz ðɛr bɔld.

So?

soʊ?

You're bald!

jʊr bɔld!

No I'm not. I \*was\* bald.

noʊ əm nɑt. aɪ \wɑz\ bɔld.

Elaine grabs at the toupee, George dodges the grab.

ˌiˈleɪn græbz æt ðə ˌtuˈpeɪ, ʤɔrʤ ˈdɑʤɪz ðə græb.

Elaine.

ˌiˈleɪn.

Elaine grabs again and misses. George turns around and opens the door trying to get out. Elaine grabs the toupee and runs to the window.

ˌiˈleɪn græbz əˈgɛn ənd ˈmɪsɪz. ʤɔrʤ tərnz əraʊnd ənd ˈoʊpənz ðə dɔr traɪɪŋ tɪ gɪt aʊt. ˌiˈleɪn græbz ðə ˌtuˈpeɪ ənd rənz tɪ ðə ˈwɪndoʊ.

No, no, no Elaine.

noʊ, noʊ, noʊ ˌiˈleɪn.

I don't like this thing. And here's what I'm doing with it.

aɪ doʊnt laɪk ðɪs θɪŋ. ənd hɪrz wət əm duɪŋ wɪθ ɪt.

Nooooo.

nooooo.