Сайнфелд: Пластическая операция

What do you need a job, you got Audrey.

wət du ju nid ə ʤɑb, ju gɑt ˈɔdri.

Yeah, right.

jæ, raɪt.

What's the matter?

wəts ðə ˈmætər?

Oh, nothing.

oʊ, ˈnəθɪŋ.

What?

wət?

You won't think I'm a bad person?

ju woʊnt θɪŋk əm ə bæd ˈpərsən?

Too late for that.

tu leɪt fər ðət.

'Cause believe me, I would only say this to you and maybe a psychiatrist, maybe. Well, her nose is a little big.

'kɔz bɪˈliv mi, aɪ wʊd ˈoʊnli seɪ ðɪs tɪ ju ənd ˈmeɪbi ə səˈkaɪətrəst, ˈmeɪbi. wɛl, hər noʊz ɪz ə ˈlɪtəl bɪg.

Yeah, she's got a big nose.

jæ, ʃiz gɑt ə bɪg noʊz.

I mean, big would even be ok, a little beyond big.

aɪ min, bɪg wʊd ˈivɪn bi ˈoʊˈkeɪ, ə ˈlɪtəl bɪɔnd bɪg.

It's a schnoz.

ɪts ə schnoz.

Now, I'm aware that my own physical dimensions are perhaps a little short of perfection.

naʊ, əm əˈwɛr ðət maɪ oʊn ˈfɪzɪkəl dɪˈmɛnʃənz ər pərˈhæps ə ˈlɪtəl ʃɔrt əv pərˈfɛkʃən.

A little.

ə ˈlɪtəl.

So who am I to be thinking about someone's nose? I mean, I should be grateful someone like her even looks at me. I have

soʊ hu æm aɪ tɪ bi ˈθɪŋkɪŋ əˈbaʊt ˈsəmˌwənz noʊz? aɪ min, aɪ ʃʊd bi ˈgreɪtfəl ˈsəmˌwən laɪk hər ˈivɪn lʊks æt mi. aɪ hæv

no job, nothing. But I have to say, I think about the nose. I don't want to think about the nose. I don't ask to think

noʊ ʤɑb, ˈnəθɪŋ. bət aɪ hæv tɪ seɪ, aɪ θɪŋk əˈbaʊt ðə noʊz. aɪ doʊnt wɔnt tɪ θɪŋk əˈbaʊt ðə noʊz. aɪ doʊnt æsk tɪ θɪŋk

about the nose, but I think about it. I go to bed at night, I tell myself, "Don't think about the nose. Forget the nose."

əˈbaʊt ðə noʊz, bət aɪ θɪŋk əˈbaʊt ɪt. aɪ goʊ tɪ bɛd æt naɪt, aɪ tɛl ˌmaɪˈsɛlf, "doʊnt θɪŋk əˈbaʊt ðə noʊz. fərˈgɛt ðə noʊz."

but I think about it. I look at her, I see nose.

bət aɪ θɪŋk əˈbaʊt ɪt. aɪ lʊk æt hər, aɪ si noʊz.

Stop being so concerned with looks.

stɑp biɪŋ soʊ kənˈsərnd wɪθ lʊks.

Have you said anything to her about it?

hæv ju sɛd ˈɛniˌθɪŋ tɪ hər əˈbaʊt ɪt?

I could never do that. You know the ironic thing is if she had a smaller nose, I never could have gone out with her in the first place.

aɪ kʊd ˈnɛvər du ðət. ju noʊ ðə aɪˈrɑnɪk θɪŋ ɪz ɪf ʃi hæd ə sˈmɔlər noʊz, aɪ ˈnɛvər kʊd hæv gɔn aʊt wɪθ hər ɪn ðə fərst pleɪs.

She'd be out of my league with a smaller nose. And I really like her, I know that. And I know one other thing. I'm not getting past that nose.

ʃid bi aʊt əv maɪ lig wɪθ ə sˈmɔlər noʊz. ənd aɪ ˈrɪli laɪk hər, aɪ noʊ ðət. ənd aɪ noʊ wən ˈəðər θɪŋ. əm nɑt ˈgɪtɪŋ pæst ðət noʊz.

All right, shut up, here they come.

ɔl raɪt, ʃət əp, hir ðeɪ kəm.

How can I not think about it? Look at the size of this thing.

haʊ kən aɪ nɑt θɪŋk əˈbaʊt ɪt? lʊk æt ðə saɪz əv ðɪs θɪŋ.

What's the splotch on your hand?

wəts ðə splotch ɔn jʊr hænd?

Oh, I got stamped at the reggae lounge last night. Yeah, I'm going back there tonight, you know, I'm not going to pay another cover charge.

oʊ, aɪ gɑt stæmpt æt ðə ˈrɛˌgeɪ laʊnʤ læst naɪt. jæ, əm goʊɪŋ bæk ðɛr təˈnaɪt, ju noʊ, əm nɑt goʊɪŋ tɪ peɪ əˈnəðər ˈkəvər ʧɑrʤ.

What, you didn't wash all day?

wət, ju ˈdɪdənt wɑʃ ɔl deɪ?

Yeah, I washed, just not the hand. You wouldn't believe the women at this club. Ohh, man.

jæ, aɪ wɑʃt, ʤɪst nɑt ðə hænd. ju ˈwʊdənt bɪˈliv ðə ˈwɪmən æt ðɪs kləb. oʊ, mæn.

It's amazing how many beautiful women live in New York. I actually find it kind of intimidating.

ɪts əˈmeɪzɪŋ haʊ ˈmɛni ˈbjutəfəl ˈwɪmən lɪv ɪn nu jɔrk. aɪ ˈæˌkʧuəli faɪnd ɪt kaɪnd əv ˌɪnˈtɪmɪˌdeɪtɪŋ.

Well, you're as pretty as any of them. You just need a nose job.

wɛl, jʊr ɛz ˈprɪti ɛz ˈɛni əv ðɛm. ju ʤɪst nid ə noʊz ʤɑb.

Kramer!

ˈkreɪmər!

What? What?

wət? wət?

How could you say something like that?!

haʊ kʊd ju seɪ ˈsəmθɪŋ laɪk ðət?!

What? What do you mean? I just said she needs a nose job.

wət? wət du ju min? aɪ ʤɪst sɛd ʃi nidz ə noʊz ʤɑb.

No no, there's nothing wrong with her nose! I'm so sorry, Audrey.

noʊ noʊ, ðɛrz ˈnəθɪŋ rɔŋ wɪθ hər noʊz! əm soʊ ˈsɑri, ˈɔdri.

No, it's ok.

noʊ, ɪts ˈoʊˈkeɪ.

What did you have to say that for?

wət dɪd ju hæv tɪ seɪ ðət fər?

Well, I was just trying to help out.

wɛl, aɪ wɑz ʤɪst traɪɪŋ tɪ hɛlp aʊt.

Yeah? Well, you can kiss that jacket goodbye, Mr. Von Nozzin.

jæ? wɛl, ju kən kɪs ðət ˈʤækɪt ˌgʊdˈbaɪ, ˈmɪstər. vɔn nozzin.

You see what happens when you try to be nice?

ju si wət ˈhæpənz wɪn ju traɪ tɪ bi nis?

What are you thinking about?

wət ər ju ˈθɪŋkɪŋ əˈbaʊt?

Thinking? Nothing. What could I possibly be thinking?

ˈθɪŋkɪŋ? ˈnəθɪŋ. wət kʊd aɪ ˈpɑsəbli bi ˈθɪŋkɪŋ?

You look like you've got something on your mind.

ju lʊk laɪk juv gɑt ˈsəmθɪŋ ɔn jʊr maɪnd.

Oh, yeah, right. I wish I had something on my mind. So how about that Kramer, huh?

oʊ, jæ, raɪt. aɪ wɪʃ aɪ hæd ˈsəmθɪŋ ɔn maɪ maɪnd. soʊ haʊ əˈbaʊt ðət ˈkreɪmər, hə?

How about him?

haʊ əˈbaʊt ɪm?

They way he just says stuff.

ðeɪ weɪ hi ʤɪst sɪz stəf.

He sure does.

hi ʃʊr dɪz.

Yeah. Yeah, he's quite a character.

jæ. jæ, hiz kwaɪt ə ˈkɛrɪktər.

So, what did you think?

soʊ, wət dɪd ju θɪŋk?

About the pizza?

əˈbaʊt ðə ˈpitsə?

No, about the nose job.

noʊ, əˈbaʊt ðə noʊz ʤɑb.

Oh, the nose job. I don't know, what did you think?

oʊ, ðə noʊz ʤɑb. aɪ doʊnt noʊ, wət dɪd ju θɪŋk?

Well, I've thought about it, but I don't know.

wɛl, aɪv θɔt əˈbaʊt ɪt, bət aɪ doʊnt noʊ.

Yeah. Not that I care, one way or the other, but these doctors today really do amazing things, you know, if you were so inclined. And

jæ. nɑt ðət aɪ kɛr, wən weɪ ər ðə ˈəðər, bət ðiz ˈdɑktərz təˈdeɪ ˈrɪli du əˈmeɪzɪŋ θɪŋz, ju noʊ, ɪf ju wər soʊ ˌɪnˈklaɪnd. ənd

again, I'm not suggesting.

əˈgɛn, əm nɑt səˈʤɛstɪŋ.

I know. They're good.

aɪ noʊ. ðɛr gʊd.

It's really nothing. It's like going to the dentist.

ɪts ˈrɪli ˈnəθɪŋ. ɪts laɪk goʊɪŋ tɪ ðə ˈdɛntɪst.

I hate the dentist.

aɪ heɪt ðə ˈdɛntɪst.

It's a cleaning.

ɪts ə ˈklinɪŋ.

So you really think I should do this?

soʊ ju ˈrɪli θɪŋk aɪ ʃʊd du ðɪs?

If it makes you happy. I don't focus on these things. I will tell you this: Unfortunately, we live in a very superficial society. I don't

ɪf ɪt meɪks ju ˈhæpi. aɪ doʊnt ˈfoʊkɪs ɔn ðiz θɪŋz. aɪ wɪl tɛl ju ðɪs: ənˈfɔrʧənətli, wi lɪv ɪn ə ˈvɛri ˌsupərˈfɪʃəl soʊˈsaɪɪti. aɪ doʊnt

condone it, but it's a fact of life.

kənˈdoʊn ɪt, bət ɪts ə fækt əv laɪf.

Well, maybe I should.

wɛl, ˈmeɪbi aɪ ʃʊd.

What the hell.

wət ðə hɛl.

Aw, now you talked her into getting a nose job?

ɔ, naʊ ju tɔkt hər ˈɪntu ˈgɪtɪŋ ə noʊz ʤɑb?

Me? I didn't say anything.

mi? aɪ ˈdɪdənt seɪ ˈɛniˌθɪŋ.

You encouraged her to get one.

ju ɪnˈkərəʤd hər tɪ gɪt wən.

I didn't encourage. No encourage.

aɪ ˈdɪdənt ɪnˈkərəʤ. noʊ ɪnˈkərəʤ.

Peter Jennings had one?

ˈpitər ˈʤɛnɪŋz hæd wən?

It's possible.

ɪts ˈpɑsəbəl.

Well, I think you should accept her for who she is.

wɛl, aɪ θɪŋk ju ʃʊd əkˈsɛpt hər fər hu ʃi ɪz.

No, George is right. I want to get one.

noʊ, ʤɔrʤ ɪz raɪt. aɪ wɔnt tɪ gɪt wən.

I think it's a mistake.

aɪ θɪŋk ɪts ə mɪˈsteɪk.

Me too, really. Unless you'd really like to get one.

mi tu, ˈrɪli. ənˈlɛs jʊd ˈrɪli laɪk tɪ gɪt wən.

Okay, look, Audrey, before you take the bandage off just remember that I was the one that encouraged you to do this, you know? Now that you're going

ˌoʊˈkeɪ, lʊk, ˈɔdri, ˌbiˈfɔr ju teɪk ðə ˈbændɪʤ ɔf ʤɪst rɪˈmɛmbər ðət aɪ wɑz ðə wən ðət ɪnˈkərəʤd ju tɪ du ðɪs, ju noʊ? naʊ ðət jʊr goʊɪŋ

to be a great beauty, let's not forget how this all began. You know, like if you'd listened to your friend, Elaine,

tɪ bi ə greɪt ˈbjuti, lɛts nɑt fərˈgɛt haʊ ðɪs ɔl bɪˈgæn. ju noʊ, laɪk ɪf jʊd ˈlɪsənd tɪ jʊr frɛnd, ˌiˈleɪn,

George?

ʤɔrʤ?

Yeah?

jæ?

Enough.

ɪˈnəf.

All right, are we ready? Come on. Let's get this show on the road.

ɔl raɪt, ər wi ˈrɛdi? kəm ɔn. lɛts gɪt ðɪs ʃoʊ ɔn ðə roʊd.

Are you sure you want us here for this?

ər ju ʃʊr ju wɔnt ˈjuˈɛs hir fər ðɪs?

Yes.

jɛs.

Shouldn't a doctor do it?

ˈʃʊdənt ə ˈdɔktər du ɪt?

No, he said I could do it. Okay, here goes.

noʊ, hi sɛd aɪ kʊd du ɪt. ˌoʊˈkeɪ, hir goʊz.

Very exciting, very exciting, it's like watching a birth.

ˈvɛri ɪkˈsaɪtɪŋ, ˈvɛri ɪkˈsaɪtɪŋ, ɪts laɪk ˈwɑʧɪŋ ə bərθ.

It looks good.

ɪt lʊks gʊd.

Great job.

greɪt ʤɑb.

You got butchered.

ju gɑt ˈbʊʧərd.