Бойфренд из будущего: Худший спектакль на свете

What's happened? What have you done you, poor thing?

wəts ˈhæpənd? wət hæv ju dən ju, pur θɪŋ?

Uh, nothing. It's just a flesh wound.

ə, ˈnəθɪŋ. ɪts ʤɪst ə flɛʃ wund.

There.

ðɛr.

Thank you. You may remember my play opened tonight.

θæŋk ju. ju meɪ rɪˈmɛmbər maɪ pleɪ ˈoʊpənd təˈnaɪt.

Oh my god, yes. How did it go?

oʊ maɪ gɑd, jɛs. haʊ dɪd ɪt goʊ?

Well, it went well. You could tell in the room a masterpiece was being unfurled.

wɛl, ɪt wɛnt wɛl. ju kʊd tɛl ɪn ðə rum ə ˈmæstərˌpis wɑz biɪŋ ənˈfərld.

Really?

ˈrɪli?

Really. Until, and this is the crucial plot point I think, until the lead actor had the most massive dry in the history of theater.

ˈrɪli. ənˈtɪl, ənd ðɪs ɪz ðə ˈkruʃəl plɑt pɔɪnt aɪ θɪŋk, ənˈtɪl ðə lɛd ˈæktər hæd ðə moʊst ˈmæsɪv draɪ ɪn ðə ˈhɪstəri əv ˈθieɪtər.

No, no, no!

noʊ, noʊ, noʊ!

Yes, yes, yes! He didn't just forget his lines. He forgot his lines to the extent that no actor has ever forgotten their lines before in the annals of dramatic art.

jɛs, jɛs, jɛs! hi ˈdɪdənt ʤɪst fərˈgɛt hɪz laɪnz. hi fərˈgɑt hɪz laɪnz tɪ ðə ɪkˈstɛnt ðət noʊ ˈæktər həz ˈɛvər fərˈgɑtən ðɛr laɪnz ˌbiˈfɔr ɪn ðə ˈænəlz əv drəˈmætɪk ɑrt.

The reviews won't say major masterpiece gets unveiled. They'll say major actor gets Alzheimer's.

ðə rəvˈjuz woʊnt seɪ ˈmeɪʤər ˈmæstərˌpis gɪts ənˈveɪld. ðɛl seɪ ˈmeɪʤər ˈæktər gɪts ˈɑtszˌhaɪmərz.

It's a disaster.

ɪts ə dɪˈzæstər.

Is an understatement. It's the titanic of play openings.

ɪz ən ˈəndərˌsteɪtmənt. ɪts ðə taɪˈtænɪk əv pleɪ ˈoʊpənɪŋz.

Okay, I'll see what I can do.

ˌoʊˈkeɪ, aɪl si wət aɪ kən du.

What does that mean? What are you going to do, ring up every critic in London and offer them a if they ignore the fact that we sat in total silence for half an hour waiting for a moron to remember one single line?

wət dɪz ðət min? wət ər ju goʊɪŋ tɪ du, rɪŋ əp ˈɛvəri ˈkrɪtɪk ɪn ˈləndən ənd ˈɔfər ðɛm ə ɪf ðeɪ ˌɪgˈnɔr ðə fækt ðət wi sæt ɪn ˈtoʊtəl ˈsaɪləns fər hæf ən aʊər ˈweɪtɪŋ fər ə ˈmɔˌrɑn tɪ rɪˈmɛmbər wən ˈsɪŋgəl laɪn?

Not quite that.

nɑt kwaɪt ðət.

Hello.

hɛˈloʊ.

Hello, Sir Tom. I'm a friend of Harry's. How's it going with the lines?

hɛˈloʊ, sər tɑm. əm ə frɛnd əv ˈhɛriz. haʊz ɪt goʊɪŋ wɪθ ðə laɪnz?

I'm sorry. What do you mean the lines?

əm ˈsɑri. wət du ju min ðə laɪnz?

It's just, you know, in the court scenes, some of those lines are pretty complex. And I just thought maybe it might be worth, you know, having one last look at the lines before you go on. A little refresher.

ɪts ʤɪst, ju noʊ, ɪn ðə kɔrt sinz, səm əv ðoʊz laɪnz ər ˈprɪti ˈkɑmplɛks. ənd aɪ ʤɪst θɔt ˈmeɪbi ɪt maɪt bi wərθ, ju noʊ, ˈhævɪŋ wən læst lʊk æt ðə laɪnz ˌbiˈfɔr ju goʊ ɔn. ə ˈlɪtəl rɪˈfrɛʃər.

Fuck off out of here! You are arsing lunatic okay. Get out, you ginger twerp! Go on.

fək ɔf aʊt əv hir! ju ər arsing ˈlunəˌtɪk ˌoʊˈkeɪ. gɪt aʊt, ju ˈʤɪnʤər twerp! goʊ ɔn.

And now the defense.

ənd naʊ ðə dɪˈfɛns.

I have lived many weary years, but never in that long catalogue of wasted time have I ever seen such an atrocious miscarriage of justice!

aɪ hæv lɪvd ˈmɛni ˈwɪri jɪrz, bət ˈnɛvər ɪn ðət lɔŋ ˈkætəˌlɔg əv ˈweɪstɪd taɪm hæv aɪ ˈɛvər sin səʧ ən əˈtroʊʃəs mɪˈskɛrəʤ əv ˈʤəstɪs!

Mary! Oh no! She's gone.

ˈmɛri! oʊ noʊ! ʃiz gɔn.

Two girls in earlier tonight. One of them, the prettiest girl in the world! Did you get their names?

tu gərlz ɪn ˈərliər təˈnaɪt. wən əv ðɛm, ðə ˈprɪtiəst gərl ɪn ðə wərld! dɪd ju gɪt ðɛr neɪmz?

Oh yes. They left a while ago. Let's see. No I'm afraid they were walk-ins, and it appears they paid by cash. Sorry sir.

oʊ jɛs. ðeɪ lɛft ə waɪl əˈgoʊ. lɛts si. noʊ əm əˈfreɪd ðeɪ wər walk-ins, ənd ɪt əˈpɪrz ðeɪ peɪd baɪ kæʃ. ˈsɑri sər.

Oh, that's okay. That's fine. It's brilliant. It's just the end of my life. Thanks so much.

oʊ, ðæts ˌoʊˈkeɪ. ðæts faɪn. ɪts ˈbrɪljənt. ɪts ʤɪst ðə ɛnd əv maɪ laɪf. θæŋks soʊ məʧ.