Южный Парк: Японские туалеты

See, Stan? You've got to choose if you want to be in Gryffindor or Slytherin.

si, stæn? juv gɑt tɪ ʧuz ɪf ju wɔnt tɪ bi ɪn gryffindor ər slytherin.

Yeah, can I do it?

jæ, kən aɪ du ɪt?

Yeah, see, you've got to fight these fairy guys.

jæ, si, juv gɑt tɪ faɪt ðiz ˈfɛri gaɪz.

Randy. Randy! The powder room toilet is broken. Again!

ˈrændi. ˈrændi! ðə ˈpaʊdər rum ˈtɔɪlət ɪz ˈbroʊkən. əˈgɛn!

Did you jiggle the handle?

dɪd ju ˈʤɪgəl ðə ˈhændəl?

Yes, I jiggled the handle. Will you come fix this, please?

jɛs, aɪ jiggled ðə ˈhændəl. wɪl ju kəm fɪks ðɪs, pliz?

Okay, okay...

ˌoʊˈkeɪ, ˌoʊˈkeɪ...

Huh, well, let's see. It's got to be the little black floaty thingy. What'd you do to it?

hə, wɛl, lɛts si. ɪts gɑt tɪ bi ðə ˈlɪtəl blæk floaty ˈθɪŋi. ˈwətɪd ju du tɪ ɪt?

I didn't do anything.

aɪ ˈdɪdənt du ˈɛniˌθɪŋ.

Let me see if there's water in the bowl.

lɛt mi si ɪf ðɛrz ˈwɔtər ɪn ðə boʊl.

No! Don't lift the lid!

noʊ! doʊnt lɪft ðə lɪd!

Why can't I lift the lid?

waɪ kænt aɪ lɪft ðə lɪd?

Don't, Randy!

doʊnt, ˈrændi!

Uh-huh... Hey, guys! Your mom took a shit and doesn't want me to see it.

ˈəˈhə... heɪ, gaɪz! jʊr mɑm tʊk ə ʃɪt ənd ˈdəzənt wɔnt mi tɪ si ɪt.

Ew!

ew!

Gross, Dad!

groʊs, dæd!

Randy! We need to get a new toilet.

ˈrændi! wi nid tɪ gɪt ə nu ˈtɔɪlət.

We can't just get rid of 'Ol Blue, Sharon.

wi kænt ʤɪst gɪt rɪd əv 'ol blu, ˈʃɛrən.

This is embarrassing. It's the powder room toilet, the one guests use. You get a new toilet, Randy, or I'm not helping you sell weed anymore!

ðɪs ɪz ɪmˈbɛrəsɪŋ. ɪts ðə ˈpaʊdər rum ˈtɔɪlət, ðə wən gɛsts juz. ju gɪt ə nu ˈtɔɪlət, ˈrændi, ər əm nɑt ˈhɛlpɪŋ ju sɛl wid ˌɛniˈmɔr!

All right, all right. Sharron, you win. As usual. Poor 'Ol Blue...

ɔl raɪt, ɔl raɪt. ˈʃærən, ju wɪn. ɛz ˈjuʒəwəl. pur 'ol blu...

Can I help you with anything?

kən aɪ hɛlp ju wɪθ ˈɛniˌθɪŋ?

Oh, yeah, (I'm) just looking for a new toilet to replace Ol' Blue.

oʊ, jæ, (əm) ʤɪst ˈlʊkɪŋ fər ə nu ˈtɔɪlət tɪ ˌriˈpleɪs ol' blu.

All right, well, all our toilets here are standard bowl, come with full warranty. How much (are) you looking to spend?

ɔl raɪt, wɛl, ɔl ɑr ˈtɔɪləts hir ər ˈstændərd boʊl, kəm wɪθ fʊl ˈwɔrənti. haʊ məʧ (ər) ju ˈlʊkɪŋ tɪ spɛnd?

Well, I'm not poor. I happen to have my own weed business. So that's pretty much the nicest one you have, right?

wɛl, əm nɑt pur. aɪ ˈhæpən tɪ hæv maɪ oʊn wid ˈbɪznɪs. soʊ ðæts ˈprɪti məʧ ðə ˈnaɪsɪst wən ju hæv, raɪt?

Yeah, that's probably the top model, you know, before you start getting into Japanese toilets.

jæ, ðæts ˈprɑbəˌbli ðə tɔp ˈmɑdəl, ju noʊ, ˌbiˈfɔr ju stɑrt ˈgɪtɪŋ ˈɪntu ˌʤæpəˈniz ˈtɔɪləts.

Japanese toilets?

ˌʤæpəˈniz ˈtɔɪləts?

Yeah, they're the sort of the super-high-class luxury models with all the bells and whistles. But you probably don't want to spend that kind of money.

jæ, ðɛr ðə sɔrt əv ðə super-high-class ˈləgʒəri ˈmɑdəlz wɪθ ɔl ðə bɛlz ənd ˈwɪsəlz. bət ju ˈprɑbəˌbli doʊnt wɔnt tɪ spɛnd ðət kaɪnd əv ˈməni.

I'm not poor.

əm nɑt pur.

Oh, well, we can show them to you. The Japanese toilets are right over there.

oʊ, wɛl, wi kən ʃoʊ ðɛm tɪ ju. ðə ˌʤæpəˈniz ˈtɔɪləts ər raɪt ˈoʊvər ðɛr.

Hi, Rick. This gentleman would like to see the Japanese toilets.

haɪ, rɪk. ðɪs ˈʤɛnəlmən wʊd laɪk tɪ si ðə ˌʤæpəˈniz ˈtɔɪləts.

Well, of course, sir. My name is Rick. Let me know if there's anything you need.

wɛl, əv kɔrs, sər. maɪ neɪm ɪz rɪk. lɛt mi noʊ ɪf ðɛrz ˈɛniˌθɪŋ ju nid.

These toilets are all equipped with the highest-end features, including an automatic bidet system, Bluetooth capability, and seat warmers.

ðiz ˈtɔɪləts ər ɔl ɪkˈwɪpt wɪθ ðə highest-end ˈfiʧərz, ˌɪnˈkludɪŋ ən ˌɔtəˈmætɪk bidet ˈsɪstəm, ˈbluˌtuθ ˌkeɪpəˈbɪləti, ənd sit warmers.

Seat warmers?

sit warmers?

Of course. And the toilet senses when you've come into the room, turns on a small light, plays welcome music, and raises the lid for you.

əv kɔrs. ənd ðə ˈtɔɪlət ˈsɛnsɪz wɪn juv kəm ˈɪntu ðə rum, tərnz ɔn ə smɔl laɪt, pleɪz ˈwɛlkəm mˈjuzɪk, ənd ˈreɪzɪz ðə lɪd fər ju.

Can I offer you some sparkling water or champagne?

kən aɪ ˈɔfər ju səm ˈspɑrkəlɪŋ ˈwɔtər ər ʃæmˈpeɪn?

Oh, sure, I'll take some champagne.

oʊ, ʃʊr, aɪl teɪk səm ʃæmˈpeɪn.

All the toilet's functions are operated by a touch-button remote which you mount where the toilet-paper roll used to go.

ɔl ðə ˈtɔɪləts ˈfəŋkʃənz ər ˈɑpərˌeɪtəd baɪ ə touch-button rɪˈmoʊt wɪʧ ju maʊnt wɛr ðə toilet-paper roʊl juzd tɪ goʊ.

So then where do you keep the toilet paper?

soʊ ðɛn wɛr du ju kip ðə ˈtɔɪlət ˈpeɪpər?

With a Japanese toilet, you don't need toilet paper. The toilet washes you completely clean.

wɪθ ə ˌʤæpəˈniz ˈtɔɪlət, ju doʊnt nid ˈtɔɪlət ˈpeɪpər. ðə ˈtɔɪlət ˈwɑʃɪz ju kəmˈplitli klin.

You're mad.

jʊr mæd.

No, it's true. It has warm water and a dryer and cleans you eight times better than toilet paper can. Would you like to take one for a test drive?

noʊ, ɪts tru. ɪt həz wɔrm ˈwɔtər ənd ə draɪər ənd klinz ju eɪt taɪmz ˈbɛtər ðən ˈtɔɪlət ˈpeɪpər kən. wʊd ju laɪk tɪ teɪk wən fər ə tɛst draɪv?

Oh, uh, sure. I did have kind of a big breakfast.

oʊ, ə, ʃʊr. aɪ dɪd hæv kaɪnd əv ə bɪg ˈbrɛkfəst.

Right over here.

raɪt ˈoʊvər hir.

Oh! Whoa! Ooh. Oh, oh! Oh. Ahh! Oh, oh...

oʊ! woʊ! u. oʊ, oʊ! oʊ. ɑ! oʊ, oʊ...

Okay, how much?

ˌoʊˈkeɪ, haʊ məʧ?