Как я встретил вашу маму: Вещи после расставания - 1

Damn, my face is so dry. Is there any moisturizer around here?

dæm, maɪ feɪs ɪz soʊ draɪ. ɪz ðɛr ˈɛni ˈmɔɪsʧərˌaɪzər əraʊnd hir?

Yeah, there's some in the bathroom. Got to moisturize! Got to keep that pretty face moist.

jæ, ðɛrz səm ɪn ðə ˈbæθˌrum. gɑt tɪ moisturize! gɑt tɪ kip ðət ˈprɪti feɪs mɔɪst.

Wow, this is great stuff. Now I know the secret to your great complexion.

waʊ, ðɪs ɪz greɪt stəf. naʊ aɪ noʊ ðə ˈsikrɪt tɪ jʊr greɪt kəmˈplɛkʃən.

What are you talking about? It's yours.

wət ər ju ˈtɔkɪŋ əˈbaʊt? ɪts jʊrz.

No, it's not.

noʊ, ɪts nɑt.

Oh, well then I guess it's Lily's.

oʊ, wɛl ðɛn aɪ gɛs ɪts ˈlɪˌliz.

No, it's not. Whose moisturizer is this, Ted?

noʊ, ɪts nɑt. huz ˈmɔɪsʧərˌaɪzər ɪz ðɪs, tɛd?

Um, my sister's.

əm, maɪ ˈsɪstərz.

So, in other words, some girl you went out with.

soʊ, ɪn ˈəðər wərdz, səm gərl ju wɛnt aʊt wɪθ.

Um, I love you.

əm, aɪ ləv ju.

Disgusting. You let me put on the same moisturizer as one of your exes? Why is that still in your apartment?

dɪsˈgəstɪŋ. ju lɛt mi pʊt ɔn ðə seɪm ˈmɔɪsʧərˌaɪzər ɛz wən əv jʊr ˈɛksɪz? waɪ ɪz ðət stɪl ɪn jʊr əˈpɑrtmənt?

I don't know. I just never threw it out.

aɪ doʊnt noʊ. aɪ ʤɪst ˈnɛvər θru ɪt aʊt.

Well, why not? Do you still have feelings for this girl?

wɛl, waɪ nɑt? du ju stɪl hæv ˈfilɪŋz fər ðɪs gərl?

Yeah. I'm madly in love with her, and the only way I can deal with it is by holding onto a three-dollar tube of lotion.

jæ. əm ˈmædli ɪn ləv wɪθ hər, ənd ðə ˈoʊnli weɪ aɪ kən dil wɪθ ɪt ɪz baɪ ˈhoʊldɪŋ ˈɔntu ə three-dollar tub əv ˈloʊʃən.

Not three dollars! Try fourteen.

nɑt θri ˈdɔlərz! traɪ ˌfɔrˈtin.

Why is this such a big deal?

waɪ ɪz ðɪs səʧ ə bɪg dil?

Because I don't want to use some whore's moisturizer!

bɪˈkəz aɪ doʊnt wɔnt tɪ juz səm whore's ˈmɔɪsʧərˌaɪzər!

Whoa, she wasn't a whore.

woʊ, ʃi ˈwəzənt ə hɔr.

Well, she's leaving expensive lotions all over town. It sounds like a whore to me. What else do you have from old girlfriends just lying around?

wɛl, ʃiz ˈlivɪŋ ɪkˈspɛnsɪv ˈloʊʃənz ɔl ˈoʊvər taʊn. ɪt saʊnz laɪk ə hɔr tɪ mi. wət ɛls du ju hæv frəm oʊld ˈgərlˌfrɛndz ʤɪst laɪɪŋ əraʊnd?

Nothing. That's it. Well, except for the phone booth. And the lamp by the desk and the...

ˈnəθɪŋ. ðæts ɪt. wɛl, ɪkˈsɛpt fər ðə foʊn buθ. ənd ðə læmp baɪ ðə dɛsk ənd ðə...

No. No! No! Oh, Ted!

noʊ. noʊ! noʊ! oʊ, tɛd!

The age-old question: after you break up with someone, what do you do with the stuff?

ðə age-old kˈwɛʃən: ˈæftər ju breɪk əp wɪθ ˈsəmˌwən, wət du ju du wɪθ ðə stəf?

Question? Ain't no question, girl. Obviously, he's got to get rid of it.

kˈwɛʃən? eɪnt noʊ kˈwɛʃən, gərl. ˈɑbviəsli, hiz gɑt tɪ gɪt rɪd əv ɪt.

Which is obviously crazy and obviously, I'm not gonna do it.

wɪʧ ɪz ˈɑbviəsli ˈkreɪzi ənd ˈɑbviəsli, əm nɑt ˈgɑnə du ɪt.

So we agreed that we would let you guys decide.

soʊ wi əˈgrid ðət wi wʊd lɛt ju gaɪz ˌdɪˈsaɪd.

All right, well, let's hear the arguments. Ted, you go first.

ɔl raɪt, wɛl, lɛts hir ðə ˈɑrgjəmənts. tɛd, ju goʊ fərst.

Okay. The fact that I still have things from ex-girlfriends is no big deal.

ˌoʊˈkeɪ. ðə fækt ðət aɪ stɪl hæv θɪŋz frəm ˈɛkzˈgərlˌfrɛndz ɪz noʊ bɪg dil.

I mean, when I see the phone booth on the piano, I don't think of Jeannie Radford, I think of the good times I had backpacking through Europe.

aɪ min, wɪn aɪ si ðə foʊn buθ ɔn ðə piˈænə, aɪ doʊnt θɪŋk əv ˈʤini ˈrædfərd, aɪ θɪŋk əv ðə gʊd taɪmz aɪ hæd ˈbækˌpækɪŋ θru ˈjʊrəp.

And when I see the lamp, I don't think of Allison Moses. I remember when I was broke, just out of college, and I really needed a lamp.

ənd wɪn aɪ si ðə læmp, aɪ doʊnt θɪŋk əv ˈælɪsən ˈmoʊzɪs. aɪ rɪˈmɛmbər wɪn aɪ wɑz broʊk, ʤɪst aʊt əv ˈkɑlɪʤ, ənd aɪ ˈrɪli ˈnidɪd ə læmp.

And when I see that throw pillow, I don't think of Lauren Stein. I think of that weird orange-brown stain and how it got there.

ənd wɪn aɪ si ðət θroʊ ˈpɪloʊ, aɪ doʊnt θɪŋk əv ˈlɔrən staɪn. aɪ θɪŋk əv ðət wɪrd orange-brown steɪn ənd haʊ ɪt gɑt ðɛr.

Well, that's adorable, but from now on, when I walk into the apartment, here is what I will see.

wɛl, ðæts əˈdɔrəbəl, bət frəm naʊ ɔn, wɪn aɪ wɔk ˈɪntu ðə əˈpɑrtmənt, hir ɪz wət aɪ wɪl si.

I'm Ted's college girlfriend. He made me 12 mix tapes. How many has he made you?

əm tɛdz ˈkɑlɪʤ ˈgərlˌfrɛnd. hi meɪd mi 12 mɪks teɪps. haʊ ˈmɛni həz hi meɪd ju?

He calls you sweetie pie? He called me sweetie pie.

hi kɔlz ju sˈwiti paɪ? hi kɔld mi sˈwiti paɪ.

I'm stupid, but my rack is bigger than yours.

əm ˈstupɪd, bət maɪ ræk ɪz ˈbɪgər ðən jʊrz.

Really? You can't look at a pillow without seeing my ex-girlfriend? A pillow?

ˈrɪli? ju kænt lʊk æt ə ˈpɪloʊ wɪˈθaʊt siɪŋ maɪ ˈɛkzˈgərlˌfrɛnd? ə ˈpɪloʊ?

Yes, Ted. The fact that you still have that pillow is creepy and gross.

jɛs, tɛd. ðə fækt ðət ju stɪl hæv ðət ˈpɪloʊ ɪz ˈkripi ənd groʊs.

You're creepy and gross.

jʊr ˈkripi ənd groʊs.

Your mom's creepy and gross.

jʊr mɑmz ˈkripi ənd groʊs.

Order! Order! I got to side with Robin. She's your girlfriend, and if the stuff upsets her, you got to get rid of it.

ˈɔrdər! ˈɔrdər! aɪ gɑt tɪ saɪd wɪθ ˈrɑbɪn. ʃiz jʊr ˈgərlˌfrɛnd, ənd ɪf ðə stəf ˈəpˌsɛts hər, ju gɑt tɪ gɪt rɪd əv ɪt.

I've got to side with Ted. Just because you still have something an ex-girlfriend gave you doesn't mean you're holding onto her.

aɪv gɑt tɪ saɪd wɪθ tɛd. ʤɪst bɪˈkəz ju stɪl hæv ˈsəmθɪŋ ən ˈɛkzˈgərlˌfrɛnd geɪv ju ˈdəzənt min jʊr ˈhoʊldɪŋ ˈɔntu hər.

All right, Barney. It all comes down to you.

ɔl raɪt, ˈbɑrni. ɪt ɔl kəmz daʊn tɪ ju.

I side with Robin.

aɪ saɪd wɪθ ˈrɑbɪn.

What?

wət?

Ted, your place is too cluttered. It's like you're living in a Bennigan's.

tɛd, jʊr pleɪs ɪz tu ˈklətərd. ɪts laɪk jʊr ˈlɪvɪŋ ɪn ə ˈbɛnɪgənz.